


Take the Cake & Run

by Samirant



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Tumblr Prompts, february bingo card, unconscionable abuse of italics, wherein jeyne is all of us and we are all jeyne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22501900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samirant/pseuds/Samirant
Summary: In which Jaime hatches the perfect plot to eat all the cake he wants.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 81
Kudos: 257





	Take the Cake & Run

**Author's Note:**

> For the February Bingo Card prompt: A and B pretend to be a couple to try wedding cakes.

“You can’t be serious.”

“You asked, that’s my answer.”

“Jaime. No. Just… no.”

“Uh-uh, no take backs. It’s my turn and I pick cake.”

“It’s supposed to be an actual meal and we still have the marathon to prepare for. Our cheat day can’t just be _cake._ ”

“It certainly can. And you can’t change my mind or my plans, I’ve already made the appointments.”

“ _Appointments_? Jaime-”

“We’ll start with the place that Tyrion made us go to, and then we’ll hit up the first spot that Sansa rejected, she really should have gone for them. For dinner we’ll round it out with the place Renly and Loras picked - the wedding may have been fucking insane, but I still have dreams about that damn cake.”

“I… I… _Jaime, no._ ”

“Jaime, _yes._ You owe me, Tarth. Pay up.”

“I owe you nothing.”

“Oh, is that so? I have two words for you: _the_ _mongoose.”_

“....”

“That’s right, you hoped I’d forgotten, didn’t you?”

“...You swore you would never bring that up again.”

“No, I swore that I would bring it up exactly once, at the opportune time. This is that time. And I demand cake.”

“Oh gods.”

“The gods can’t help you now, so don’t bother calling on them. This is going to be the best fucking cheat day _ever_.”

“ _Oh, gods.”_

###### 

“The Lannister-Tarth wedding, reporting for duty,” Jaime said brightly as they entered the last shop of the day.

“Tarth-Lannister,” Brienne reminded him. 

“Have we decided that for sure, though?” He put on a faux-thoughtful face, tilting his chin up and tapping his finger against it. “It could very easily just be the Tarth wedding, I’m more than willing to take your name, darling.”

Brienne barely held back her groan of defeat at the sight of Jaime’s sparkling eyes. She blamed the steady stream of champagne that they’d consumed throughout the day; it had taken his typical tendency for teasing and cranked it up about a thousand times past its baseline. Between their first and second stops, Jaime had gotten cake and champagne-drunk, leaning more heavily on her as they entered and exited the shops he’d chosen, followed by the ride-shares they’d flagged down to haul them from place to place. Brienne had paced herself far better than he had, but even she felt the hazy warmth of alcohol coursing throughout her body. 

In the midst of this, he’d promised to never say the word mongoose again, but that his safe word would be _darling_. Which completely twisted the purpose of a safe word, as he was using it to remind her that she was at his mercy.

Gritting her teeth, Brienne said, “Of course, darling. We can be the Tarths if you’d like.”

Jaime beamed and finally looked back at the shop owner. “Well then! We’re here to test cakes for the Tarth wedding!”

“Come on in and take a seat,” the woman said in reply, looking absolutely charmed by Jaime’s enthusiasm. 

“You do still have raspberry buttercream, right?” Jaime asked eagerly as he traipsed after her. “I had that a couple years ago and I’ve yet to find anything that matches up to my recollection.”

The woman - introducing herself as Jeyne - brought out a large tray covered with a massive arrangement of slices from the back room and said, “Of course, Mr. Lannis-”

“Tarth, please.” Jaime grinned. “Have to start getting used to it, you know.”

Jeyne laughed heartily. Her joyful face and matronly figure seemed like it was made for no other kind of expression of delight. “Mr. Tarth, yes, I reviewed the requests from when you scheduled your appointment. I have at least three samples with raspberry buttercream.”

Jaime almost swooned, draping himself along Brienne’s right side as she sat down at the counter next to him. He grabbed her arm and mock-whispered, “Brienne, _she has it._ It’s _here_.”

Brienne couldn’t hold back her chuckle or the way her left hand automatically came to her face as if to try to contain it. It was a frequent habit, borne of Jaime’s years of presence in her life, ever since they’d met in a runners club and they’d both fallen almost immediately into a race that left the rest of the group behind. They’d collapsed onto the grass at the end of it, shocked that they hadn’t been able to outpace one another; once Jaime caught his breath, he announced with absolute certainty that they were going to be great friends. 

He’d been right, but Brienne knew better than to remind him of it.

All the same, Jaime was happily digging into a slice of cake and recounting how they met to Jeyne, who looked absolutely entranced by the story. He’d embellished it more and more during the day and the latest iteration included a mugger with a knife and frolicking through a fountain - their usual trail took them _by_ a fountain and Brienne may have once pushed him into it, but not that first day - followed by an encounter with a bear in the forest-

“Jaime,” Brienne sputtered, “there was no bear.”

“Darling,” Jaime simply replied. 

“There was a bear,” Brienne agreed sullenly. There was frosting on the corner of his mouth, but Brienne felt he was due to look a little stupid and chose not to inform him of it. 

“It was a small bear,” Jaime amended. “A cub really. And we booked it out of there before the mama bear showed up.”

“That is astonishing,” Jeyne exclaimed. “What an incredible way for you to meet!”

“Right?” Jaime asked, his spirits evidently higher than ever. “That’s why we’re doing the marathon. I’m got a tux shirt and Brienne’s already got the _loveliest_ veil, but otherwise we’ll wear our regular gear and we’re going to do the whole damn thing in our best time and then I’ll kiss the bride at the finish line.”

“Or she’ll kiss the groom,” Jeyne said gaily.

Jaime dropped his fork and stuck both his hands out at Jeyne as if he wanted to hug her. “Exactly! Brienne, she totally gets it!”

Brienne’s face was in her hands before she knew it. 

“This is exactly as I remember it, _exactly_ , it’s so damn good,” Jaime said fervently. He was already onto his fourth slice. Jeyne was trying her best to keep up with him, throwing around words like dutch-process and fondant and umami - all of it foreign to Brienne, though she had to admit that every bite she took was absolutely incredible. 

She felt a little sorry for it, lying to Jeyne, presenting herself and her best friend as if they truly intended to get married. She was more sorry that even if she _did_ ever get engaged, she wouldn’t be able to return to Jeyne’s shop to order a cake for real or else she’d have to admit to their farce. It seemed Jaime hadn’t put that together himself - though Brienne had told him numerous enough times that foresight wasn’t his strength and Jaime couldn’t contest that - and he was the one between them far likelier to get married.

The thought made her a little sad, as it always did when Brienne remembered that Jaime wouldn’t always be hers. Eventually he’d get completely over his horrid ex and disappear into a new relationship, just like Sansa and then Renly had. All she could do in the meanwhile was enjoy his company, even if his company meant pulling the wool over the eyes of a perfectly pleasant woman who made damn good cake. 

Behind them the door jingled as it opened and a new pair joined them, another couple - _a couple_ , Brienne corrected herself, and pushed away the flute of champagne that Jeyne had provided her. Jaime was already on his second refill. 

“Cake tasting for Merryweather-Inchfield,” the woman said as they came closer, and Jeyne gave her an acknowledging nod and told them she’d bring out their samples. She was still in the back room when the woman turned to Brienne and Jaime, giving them a once over and asked, “You’re trying some, as well? What do you think?”

“Fucking amazing,” Jaime moaned around a mouthful, spewing a few crumbs as he did. 

Brienne tried to give them an apologetic smile and added, “It’s absolutely delicious, but we already knew that coming in, she did the cake for a good friend of ours.”

“Our wedding cake is going to be twice the size of theirs,” Jaime insisted. “That way I can take at least half home and keep it for myself.”

“Oh, you- you’re marrying each other,” the woman said with surprise. She wiggled her finger back and forth between them as if she had to make her meaning anymore clear. “I thought perhaps you were here for friends, I’ve had my bridesmaids checking other shops for me, the wedding planning has been pure madness.”

Brienne opened her mouth to reply and discovered that she couldn’t find any words.

It was worse when the woman took in Jaime - frosting smears and all - raised her eyebrows in astonishment and leaned toward Brienne to say, “Well, _congratulations._ Well done, you.”

And just like that, Brienne was sober; even her politest smile couldn’t stand against the disbelief and faint mockery with which the words were said. But Brienne had lived a life where all sorts of things were said in her vicinity - whether she was meant to hear it or not. There had been all manner of ironic comments people felt that they could lob in her direction because her looks and figure and height were so far outside the norm. 

This woman was no different. She had looked at Brienne, then Jaime, and made the judgment call that Brienne had contended with for years; they were mismatched and those who observed them wanted to make sure Brienne knew it. 

Despite the casual cruelty and her own leadened stomach, Brienne began to say, “Thank-”

“What about me?” Jaime said suddenly. He wiped at his mouth, his formerly happy grin completely gone. “Where’s my congratulations?”

The woman only gave him a perplexed look. Her fiancé, previously silent for the whole exchange said, “Come on now, let’s get to the cakes. Here comes the shopkeep.”

“No, I think I should get some well wishes, it’s only fair as I’m the man that was lucky to land this one,” Jaime said curtly, nodding in Brienne’s direction. Brienne tried to murmur at him to ease back, but Jaime only shook his head at her. “Well?”

He got a light, tinkling laugh in response - the woman’s fiancé already looked like he was dreading whatever she was going to say next - and then, “I’m not sure I know what you mean. But, all right, congratulations, she’s absolutely… singular.”

Brienne had once heard that word from Sansa’s grandmum-in-law and Olenna had said it far more sincerely than her present company did. She immediately placed her hand over Jaime’s where he gripped the countertop and said, “Don’t, Jaime. It’s all right.”

“It’s not all right,” Jaime said back, his voice gone almost scalding in its fury. Jeyne, who’d just rejoined them, gave him a worried look. “We know what she’s really saying, don’t we? I know I do.”

“Jaime…” Brienne sighed. She began collecting her things and told Jeyne, “Thank you, we’ll be in touch.”

But Jaime wouldn’t allow her a graceful exit. Turning to the engaged pair, he said, “You know what, you’re damn right she’s singular. Brienne is fucking one-of-a-kind. She’s the best person I know and I’m the luckiest bastard in the world to have her in my life.”

His ferocity shocked them, but the woman gathered herself enough to roll her eyes and say, “If you say so.”

“Are you looking at her? Have you ever seen anyone else with eyes that shade of blue?” Jaime gestured wildly at her. “Look at her godsdamn legs, they go on for leagues! And her ass is fucking amaz-”

“Jaime, that’s enough,” Brienne said in a low, rapid way. 

“All of that pales in comparison to who she is as a person. She works with disadvantaged kids, for gods’ sake and they love her, they _love_ her.” Jaime kept speaking, almost yelling, as Brienne pushed him toward the door. Jeyne had gone from concerned to delighted and nodded assuredly when Jaime declared, “She wouldn’t dare pull this kind of underhanded shit on perfect strangers, so tell me, young man, are you as sure about the woman next to you as I am of mine?”

The door jingled and Brienne reached out to snap it closed behind them. Jaime continued to glare angrily through the glass, but Brienne had reached her limit and turned in the other direction, leaving him behind to his own devices. 

Humiliation made her walk quickly and it took Jaime a minute to catch up to her, the toes of his sneakers nipping at her heels when he did. “Brienne-”

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” Brienne burst out. 

Jaime looked stunned. “Why the hells are you mad at _me_?”

“You made a godsdamn scene,” Brienne replied. Hollered, really, and the realization of it made her scale back. “Why did you… why couldn’t you leave it be? Why didn’t you just walk away? Damn it, Jaime.”

“I’m sorry, have we met? I don’t walk away, Brienne,” Jaime’s mouth screwed into a frown, “not when someone is disrespecting my fiancée-”

“We’re not engaged, Jaime!” There she went again, raising her voice, but Brienne couldn’t control it this time. “It was a stunt to get you some damn cake and there you went again, getting carried away, because that’s what you always fucking do! Gods, why the hells did I agree to this? I should have known better.”

Jaime loud scoff stopped her from storming off. 

Brienne scowled at him. “What?”

“You do know better, you always know better,” Jaime said condescendingly. “You still do these things because you like it, Brienne. Don’t blame me and don’t you dare pretend that I force you into my _stunts_ , because you enjoy them as much as I do. Maybe more, because it’s the only time you let yourself actually live a little.”

Her face felt like it was burning from the flush that washed over her. She struggled for composure in order to say, “You went too far this time, Jaime.”

“Which part? Defending you from an asshole or the whole engagement thing? Because before that woman came in, you were having a damn good time!”

“I-I… I don’t know which one, okay,” Brienne snapped. Nevertheless, Jaime’s words - those both supportive of her and angry at a stranger - came back to her and she deflated as she realized she was yelling at her best friend over saying some truly kind, if baffling, things. “She was horrible, fine, that’s true. But it’s not like she was wrong. We _aren’t_ engaged.”

“She was absolutely wrong,” Jaime spat out. “But why aren’t we?”

Brienne faltered, what with Jaime’s words reaching her and then cloudying her mind so rapidly that it left her off kilter. 

Before she could reply, Jaime stepped closer, his voice stupefied even as his expression became more intense. “Brienne. Why aren’t we?”

“Why aren’t we what, Jaime?” Brienne asked faintly. 

“Engaged. Together.” Jaime got a faraway look in his eyes, his mouth spreading into a wide, awestruck smile. “ _Why aren’t we_?”

Brienne felt a tremble in her chest that made her voice waver. “That’s not funny.”

“You are the best person I know. That wasn’t a lie. And you do have an amazing ass,” Jaime said back.

“ _You’re_ an amazing ass,” Brienne mumbled. She attempted to walk away, but Jaime caught her arm. 

“Brienne-”

“Jaime, stop-”

“Please, Brienne, hold on, I swear I’m not joking. I promise I’m not.” 

Jaime tugged on her arm and let go when Brienne stopped moving. 

“You are my best friend,” Jaime said quickly, as if he knew she was only milliseconds from breaking into a run and leaving him far, far behind. “I love you as my best friend, as the best person I’ve ever had the fortune to know and the fact is… the fact is, I find you incredibly attractive. And stop” - he held up a hand when Brienne began to protest - “don’t try to say I’m lying because I’m not. Gods, the amount of times I’ve had an awkward… situation around you, I’ve lost damn count.”

Brienne almost choked. 

“I didn’t think about it, I should have, I really should have. Gods, I’m an idiot - how did I not see it sooner?”

She took a shuddering breath, nearly bowled over at the way gazed at her. The stunned look on his face could have just as easily expressed that he’d found a priceless treasure. 

“That’s what it is, isn’t it? Marriage?” Jaime asked, almost desperately. “Finding someone that you want to be around, ‘til death do you part? That’s you, Brienne. For me, that’s you. Is… could that be the same for you? Me, for you?”

He suddenly looked acutely nervous. He drew back, very slightly, and Brienne automatically took a step forward to keep him close. It made the smile bloom on Jaime’s face, more powerful and brighter than before. 

“Yeah?” It was only one word, but he sounded absolutely breathless.

Brienne fought to find air and she could only get enough to say, “Maybe? I… I didn’t think, but…”

“Me either.” Jaime lightly bounced on his heels, effervescence in motion. Then he surged forward, his hand going to the nape of Brienne’s neck and he pulled her in for a kiss, their mouths clashing fiercely. His lips were warm and soft, pressed resolutely against hers and Brienne found her hands going up to the back of his head, curling into his hair as her heart thundered wildly in her chest.

Brienne had never imagined kissing him before, not really. Perhaps one or two of her daydreams had taken a shape akin to Jaime’s, but Brienne had always kept the features purposefully hazy and mysterious, denying herself any hopes because if one didn’t have hopes, one couldn’t be disappointed, could they?

She wasn’t disappointed. 

Jaime smiled again, his lips still against hers and then he was laughing, joyfully, wondrously. He left barely a breath between them to say, “This is it, isn’t it?”

Brienne gasped against his mouth and nodded, their noses brushing together when she did. 

“Good,” Jaime chuckled, “because I really liked that cake and I would hate to disappoint Jeyne.”

She couldn’t put bring a hand to her face when he was in the way like this, but Brienne put all the dryness into her tone that she could muster. “We’re not engaged, Jaime.”

“Yeah, we are,” he replied confidently. 

###### 

“And that’s how I proposed.”

“Wait, really?”

“Absolutely serious, Tyrion.”

“You’re telling me that the rest of us have been waiting for the pair of you to finally pull your heads out of your asses and start dating and you decided to skip the whole damn thing and went straight for matrimony.”

“What can I say? When you know, you just know.”

“...”

“Have I finally shocked you? Brienne, come look! Tyrion’s speechless, get your camera!”

“What the _fuck_ was in that cake?”

“Aw, you missed it.”

**Author's Note:**

> To the bestas: Slips, Nire & Luthien <3


End file.
